The Reuters
The Reuters

*** THE BIG and UNBELIEVABLE REUTERS INTERVIEW ***
By Theo Therperson

After weeks of detective work I finally managed to meet, greet and interview The elusive REUTERS.
On a hot spring afternoon the shaded quintet arrived out of nowhere, not a minute late for our appointment in the garden of the Sonic BackYard Bar. Not very Rock & Roll… I’m used to prepare my interviews while I’m waiting for the artist(s) to turn up more than fashionably late, so this was gonna be a tough one, á l’ improviste.
When I arrived home, many hours later, I played the tape of the interview, and somehow my voice was audible, but the voices of The REUTERS had turned into white noise.
So, from my organic memory, I’ll try to reconstruct what them dudes from HU told me.

The Reuters | HUnews


TT
: ‘Do you think the world gives a flying toss about The REUTERS, their ramshackle noise and hermetic lyrics?’
R1: ‘By ‘the world’, do you mean Planet Earth?’
TT: ‘Yep!’
R1: ‘Let me tell you something your little shit-for-brains most likely ain’t gonna understand. Even if I simplify things to the max, and give you the dummy version of that. We’re a bunch of friendly blokes, we’ve come in peace, it’s a nice day, so why not give it a try and descend all the way down to your level (if you’ve got any). We are in tune, and in a good mood, as you may have noticed. Now listen carefully, you skinny rat, cuz I’m only gonna say this once; so you better pay attention for I hate to repeat myself.
Therefore I’m only gonna say this once.

The Reuters | The interview


Out of Chaos came Cosmos, or ‘Kozmoz’ as we call it.
A system.
Planet Earth is a minuscule particle of a micro entity in the outback of a tiny galaxy in a remote sector of a two-bit universette, where nothing ever happens.
What makes Planet Earth interesting for catastrophologists like us, is the organic component, with it’s conflicting synchronic tendencies towards both Chaos and Kozmoz.
To cut a long sto: out of nature came culture, and for the sake of dialectics obligatory antitheses or countercultures appeared, and still appear.
One tiny part of our activities in all of the multiverse -where time doesn’t exist- is this punkadelic garage rawk band called ‘The REUTERS’. Killing leisure time with a hobby.
A re-enactment kinda thing, playing historic countercultural DIY stuff, which is quite funny since we did invent the whole thing, and brought it here; in fact we’re re-enacting ourselves!
HAHAHA!!!
Do you think The REUTERS give a flying saucer about what the little organic layer of a tiny planet with the dull name ‘Earth’ thinks of them?
Gentlemen: here’s to HU!’
ALL: ‘To HU!

 

The Reuters | The interview

 

TT: ‘You guys have been around for a while, often playing a key role in the development of alternative underground beat rock punk pop music, but never got the recognition you deserve. How come?’
R2: ‘We do get recognition, lots of it, on other planets.
Like R1 Said: Planet Earth is our holiday vacation leisure time DIY hobby workshop, where we experiment with ancient obsolete methods, systems on vintage gear. Social patterns of co-operation
and anything between dictatorship and total freedom of authority. Like role plays, but dead serious about it! We are our own guinea pigs in these scientifically approved research environmental projects.
R3: ‘The REUTERS on Earth are like a bunch nerds, whiz kids and geeks on a science holiday camp, where several disciplines are integrated.’
R4: ‘Also gives us an opportunity to study B-rated subjects and slightly off-topic anomalies and/or paradoxes we didn’t give enough priority back in the real world.’

 

The Reuters | The interview

 

R1: ‘We always tried to keep a low profile on the third rock from the sun. It’s good to have at least one planet where one can go out on the street without constantly being bothered by the masses in euforia. So as soon as any of our projects generates too much attention, we change the project name and continue as so called Punk Rock Unknowns.
TT: R2, I’ve been asked frequently if I knew how you managed to write such brilliant, hard boiled yet poetic lyrics, that seem so in symbiosis with the subtle noise you sing along to. So, on behalf of the more intellectual REUTERhead: How do you do it?’
R1: ‘I write lyrics too! Tell him, R2, tell him I write lyrics too! Please…’
R2: ‘R1 writes lyrics too. Sometimes we even write lyrics together, but I write most of ‘em. And since you asked me, and because I can only speak for myself, I’ll tell you that I asked myself how to write valuable lyrics for a long time either. ‘Till one day I had a conversation with the singer of a great band, and I asked him the same question. He said: ‘Well, I just throw in some
neon lit women, a few flying saucers, a city at night, visualise it, and a story pops up. I write it down, and when music comes along I just skip the words I can’t fit in. That’s all there is to it.’
I memorized that recipe, and hey! It works! So that’s the way I do that.’
TT: ‘Unbelievable! Thanks for sharing that!
Eversince your arrival on this muddy, primitive, so called ‘civilized’ little planet, you never returned home to HU, did you?’
R1: ‘Au contraire, monsieur T.T., in fact The REUTERS never left HU! These here five geezers are state of the art concept processed holographic 6.9 4D copies of the real REUTERS, and thanks to the use of a sync generator we’re hyper-realistic. Could’ve fooled ourselves… Teleportation was a small step, HyperBeam Copy Paste is the new giant leap!
R5: ‘Space travelling is de-materialized. Time and space and space-time have no boundaries anymore. The sky is the limit. Oops, I think I broke my own omerta…’
R4: (looking up) ‘I see no limits there…’

 

The Reuters | The interview

 

R3: ‘Can we talk about something more rock & rollated now? Sonically speaking? I’m not human interested.
TT: ‘My wish is you’re commando, and in fact that was the basic idea. Frankly I don’t give a damn about HUman interest ScHUmann schminterest. The things you guys are telling me make ev’rything
seem so futile… Not important… It’s only rock & roll, but I liked it, but this is… BREAKING NEWS!!! I MUST write this article a.s.a.p.!!! Scoop, SCOOP!!!’
The REUTERS: ‘Oh baby, rawk, RAWK!!! XAXAXA!!! We will see, but we won’t agree on an interview or article based solely on what we just told you. We’re gonna have to meet again, dunno where,
dunno when, to take care of Part 2 of this interview.
(…but T.T. had already run off and disappeared in a state of shock…) (So who wrote this?)

The REUTERS have declared that this piece of boulevard gutter whorenalism is not authorized, and accept no responsibility for anything they said according to it, and they do not agree with the way they are depicted in it. Still, open minded as they are, they expect things may turn out different if and after ‘Part 2’ will have taken place. Time doesn’t exist, remember? (or doesn’t it???)


 

© The Reuters
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